So, How Fast Would Joe Goldberg Murder ‘Emily in Paris’ Now That They Live in the Same City?

[Yeah, this is satire, but there are still spoilers below for You season 3. Read at your own risk!]

While You season 3 saw Joe almost get one-upped by his own wife in the murder department, the finale proved to be the most shocking part of the season, and not just because we thought Joe would hightail it back to the Big Apple. The last minutes of the season follow Joe to—of all places—Paris. Paris, you guys! The très chic city known for love and beautiful people who somehow subsist only on butter and cigarettes.

But instead of wondering which Louvre exhibit Joe would way-too-self-seriously tackle first, I *in my best Carrie Bradshaw voice* couldn’t help but wonder how this handsome devil would fare abroad, ordering overpriced espressos à la française, while an even more menacing expat roamed the Parisian streets…

penn badgley walking the streets of paris in a scene from you season 3

Netflix

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Yes, I’m talking about the one, the only, Emily in Paree—you know, the gal whose face launched a thousand “hate” “watch” sessions. With You’s twists leaving Joe back on the murderous dating market, I needed to let my imagination run wild with the ultimate Netflix mash-up: What would Joe, man who’s obsessed with Gen Z manic pixie dream girls and loathes social media, do if he ever ran into Emily? Would he immediately fixate on Emily and her ridiculous-yet-somehow-still-envy-inducing outfits, or would he bash in her (probably pink) beret?

Here’s an exhaustive list of completely fictional ways Joe might just murder Emily—if Netflix would simply bring me on as a show writer. 😉

Crime scene numéro un (that’s French for one, BTW): Joe obsesses over Emily… until she commits the ultimate crime by misquoting F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The boats won’t be the only thing beating on ceaselessly into the past, as Joe beats Emily to death with a first edition. Too dark? C’est la vie.

Crime scene numéro deux: Emily drags Joe on a French foodie scavenger hunt, only to get stabbed by a butter knife.

She just would not shut up about Trader Joe’s peanut butter, and she insisted that it was the only suitable croissant topping. She had it coming.

Crime scene numéro…okay, you get the gist: Our murderous boyfriend Joe has now become an Instagram boyfriend, and he pushes Emily into the Seine after snapping a pic of her.

“Can you take one more?” NO, he CANNOT. Emily’s social media obsession leads to her death. Joe’s obsession, on the other hand, leads to him getting more Netflix screen time.

Joe thinks Emily is his type…until he learns she’s never been violent towards another human.

Emily didn’t murder her au pair in her teens, and Joe is so turned off that he’s forced to kill her. Hey, he doesn’t make the rules!

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Joe has a foursome with Emily, Camille, and Gabriel, but his soufflé deflates.

Out of shame, he murders all three of them using a stale baguette as a bat. What, you didn’t think the only swinging couple is in Madre Linda, California, of all places? France invented the ménage à trois!

Emily does a pop-up marketing event called “Fresh Tarts” to ring in the New Year, and Joe is triggered.

Like, literally triggered to the point of him pulling the trigger on a gun. Don’t remind this man of tarts!! Au revoir, Emily.

Joe obsesses over Camille, and Emily catches onto his scheme.

Emily, the super sleuth? Far-fetched, but it’s understandable why Joe would fantasize about easygoing Camille (or as we could call her, Beck 2.0). Plus, that means Gabriel is riding solo just in time for Emily to become his bonne amie. Win win, am I right? Until Joe kills Emily for figuring him out.

Joe moves in next door to Emily but can’t deal with her complaining about Gabriel all the time, so he goes full The Shining through the wall with an axe.

Here’ssss Joey! Remember, those Parisian apartment walls are thin.

Joe drowns Emily in champagne and shoves her into a wine barrel at Camille’s family estate.

Don’t say it, spray it…or suffocate in it?? “Rosé all day” has never been so dangerous.

Emily makes Joe a Bookstagrammer without him knowing, and he’s forced to murder her to hide his true identity.

Sorry Em, there’s no flash photography allowed in the rare books section of Shakespeare & Co., where Joe no doubt works while trying to outrun his other crimes.

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Emily bedazzles Joe’s infamous black baseball cap.

Joe may be a murderer, but the real crime here is Emily’s fashion sense. Bedazzlers can be dangerous when they fall into the wrong hands, ya know?

Joe makes Emily choke on a “ringarde” purse poof at the opera.

Girl, we told you to get better taste in men. Now all she can taste is the matted faux fur of a 2000s-era accessory.

Emily gets away…?

Is Emily capable of being Joe’s “final girl,” the true one that got away?

…Well, until she trips, falls, and smacks her own head on the cobblestone streets.

The answer is no, she’s not. Sorry, Emily. It was fun while it lasted.

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Updated: October 28, 2021 — 12:00 am
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